It’s Natural To Become A ‘Floater Friend’ As You Age—Here’s Why
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Growing up, iconic girl groups from my favorite television shows—like Sex and the City’s Charlotte, Samantha, Carrie, and Miranda—shaped how I thought friendship should look. Sometimes, I wanted to be Carrie, who felt the closeness and security of a tight-knit group, but other times I wanted to be more like Stanford, who could come and go as he pleased, exploring different parts of himself with varying posses.
In today’s terminology, Stanford would be considered a “floater friend.” This type of person has “many acquaintances and friends, but [is] not part of a core group,” says Hope Kelaher, LCSW, a New York City-based therapist and the author of Here To Make Friends: How To Make Friends As An Adult. While social butterflies have flitted and fluttered from group to group for decades, it’s only in recent years that a dedicated term for this type of friend has emerged. The term “social floater”first popped up on Urban Dictionary in 2020, followed by “floater friend”gaining its own definition on the site in 2023. And thanks to social media apps like TikTok, the term has gained even more traction online over the last year. Today, there are dozens of videos by online creators sharing their experiences as floater friends.
When I first came across the term “floater friend” in college, I wondered where I fit on that spectrum; I had friends from varying school organizations and walks of life, but still felt most at ease in one main “group.” It was my default friendship setting—something familiar and comfortable I always came back to, even as I envied those who seemed to dip in and out of different gatherings seamlessly. Now, the instability that comes standard with navigating my early 20s has led me to embrace what it’s like to “float around.” I’m living in a city hundreds of miles away from my closest college friends, which means I’m basically on my own to figure out what kind of adult I want to be. Naturally, socializing with different friend groups and exploring new activities is part of that self-discovery process.
Although it’s scary to feel untethered from a core friend group, there are benefits to floating–not just from group to group, but also between what kind of friendships you find most fulfilling at different points in time. “It’s important for people to realize that our friendship picture is going to look really different throughout the life course for all of us, and that is very normal,” says Kelaher. Maybe in your twenties, you had the time to float and meet new people. But as you’ve aged and taken on new responsibilities like a partner, children, or aging parents, you’ve found yourself gravitating toward the stability of a tight-knit friend group.
Ahead, therapists and friendship experts break down the way friendship styles become established, why our understanding evolves, and how to continue cultivating meaningful friendships while “floating.”
How Floater Friends Form
There are several factors that can impact whether or not someone “floats.” It's common for introverts to prefer more one-on-one relationships or feel safer with a few consistent friends, says Irene Levine, PhD, a psychologist and friendship expert who produces The Friendship Blog. Meanwhile, extroverts may enjoy “floating around” in different groups because connecting with others may help them feel motivated, energized, and excited, Kelaher says.
Your upbringing can also impact your preferred friendship style. For example, some people move from city to city as kids and become accustomed to constantly meeting new people and bouncing between friends in different places—whereas others might have grown up with the same friend group their entire lives, says Melanie Ross Mills, PhD, a temperament therapist and author of The Friendship Bond.
How Our Concept Of Friendship Changes
At a young age, friends are often based on convenience (e.g., who sits at your lunch table, plays on your sports team, or is in your classes). “Friend groups are kind of organic when we’re younger because you’re with the same people in the same place at the same time, often with the same interests and at the same stage of life,” Levine says.
During adolescence and early adulthood, however, you may be more likely to float because “you're trying to make sense of the world, create a narrative, and learn who you are,” says Kelaher. Friendship is the first experience outside of family that allows people to connect with somebody else and learn more about themselves. “That helps us develop confidence, build character, and informs us about what we like and don’t like,” she explains. Consequently, people, especially teens, will try out different personas and friend groups as part of their development, until they eventually find their people.
Meanwhile, there’s also more societal pressure to be in a defined friend group, notes Kelaher. Young people in high school and college see tight-knit cliques form more frequently, whether at parties, in the cafeteria, or online. Because of social media, emerging adults can all-too-easily see who someone is friends with and how many friends they have, which can lead to the fear of missing out, feelings of inadequacy, or comparison.
Following high school and college graduation, people tend to differentiate themselves more, says Levine. Maybe you move to a new city, start a family, or take a specialized job, and the common bonds that once tied you to your friend group shift. You still care about those old friendships, sure, but with less in common, there may be fewer things to talk about.
The Pros And Cons Of Being A Floater Friend
Watching a few TikTok videos will probably warn you against being a floater friend. One comedian explained that, as a floater friend in multiple groups, nobody asks him to hang out because they always assume he already has plans with other people. And another content creator shared that “if there are 5 ppl and 4 seats I can’t go, but if I’m the driver everyone can cram in.” Even the seemingly positive ones–such as the TikToker who “enjoys” being a floater friend because she knows so many cool people–often highlight the loneliness associated with “floating,” too.
But being a floater friend isn’t without its perks, according to Levine. “People differ in terms of the number of friends and the kind of relationships they want,” she says. Many extroverts and other socially-inclined folks prefer “cocktail culture,” where they can be friendly and outgoing in big circles of people. “As long as you’re not missing out on loyal friendship, there’s nothing wrong with [being a floater friend],” Mills adds. “You might just be wired to be a social being where you need to be around people all the time, love meeting new people, and like what you glean from making new friendships.”
Plus, this approach can jump-start the personal discovery process. Being open to forming friendships with new people outside of your “clique” can allow you to learn about different types of people and even more about yourself, says Mills. For example, maybe you didn’t know how much you enjoyed nature because you only ever hung out with people who engaged in indoor activities; or you never had the opportunity to go dancing, because your longtime friends preferred quieter nights in.
Perks Of Floating As You Grow Older
“It’s good to maintain old friends because you have so many shared memories, but also to develop new relationships based on what your life is like at a present time,” Levine says. For example, if you’re a new mom, it can be helpful to find other moms who can share parenting advice and/or provide support. Or if you’re trying to climb the ladder vocationally, it’s important to have mentors who can help you develop your career.
As you get older, you also adopt new parts of yourself. Having different types of friendships provides the opportunity to express those different parts of yourself, Levine explains. “You want to be with people who can help you grow in different ways, and to be stuck with one group means you can’t express all the different parts of yourself.”
That said, it's nonetheless necessary to prioritize quality over quantity. “There's a benefit to being open and expanding your circle, but make sure they are quality circles and not just superficial, agenda-driven relationships,” Mills says. “Because the older we get, life gets harder, and the more we need really solid friendships.”
How To Foster Quality Friendships As A Floater
As time goes on and adults take on more responsibilities (maybe a new job or partner), it can become harder to maintain contact with a wide range of friends, says Levine. Instead of trying to squeeze multiple group hangs into your social calendar, you may choose to spend your free time with a few quality friends. But opting to maintain your floater friend status doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice the depth of relationships.
It all comes down to making an active decision about your friendships, according to Levine. “You have to reach out or join groups, and hopefully you’ll be able to find your kindred spirits within those groups,” she says. Whether it's an exercise class or a volunteer organization, “it’s important to do something regularly, so you can see the same people over and over,” she says.
Of course, whether you’re a floater or a member of a close-knit group, “not all [of your friendships are] going to be deep and meaningful,” Levine says. And Kelaher agrees, citing Aristotle’s idea of three types of friendships: utility, pleasure, and virtue. Friendships of utility are those where people are on friendly terms due to the benefits each one brings (e.g., business partners, colleagues, or classmates that help you get through a course or to a promotion). Friendships of pleasure are based on enjoying a shared activity or pursuing fleeting pleasures and emotions (e.g., you share a favorite sports team and enjoy attending games together).
Finally, friendships of virtue—“the one everyone longs for,” Kelaher says—form out of shared values and outlooks on life. Because this type of friendship is based on the inherent parts of people’s characters, these pals often “click” naturally—you’ll probably just know it when you feel it. Friendships of virtue are rare, according to Kelaher, but they can be cultivated and grown through vulnerable conversations that reveal shared values.
While it's natural to want as many friendships of virtue as possible, each type serves a purpose in furthering your personal development. “There doesn’t need to be an overlap in all three areas,” says Kelaher. “We need many different types of friendships.”
Maybe, like me, you once idolized Carrie Bradshaw’s Sex and the City girl gang. But, their friendships look different in And Just Like That, just like they would in the real world. Samantha moved away, and the rest of the girls expanded their circles. Miranda has new school friends, Charlotte has new couple friends, and Carrie has new work friends. But at the end of the day, their best friends show up when they need them most. “It’s important we remember that we are created to connect, and there’s something that friendship offers us that nothing else does,” Mills says. “No matter how old we are, it’s important to pay attention to where we’re investing and who is investing in us.”
Meet the experts: Hope Kelaher, LCSW, is a New York City-based therapist and the author of Here To Make Friends: How To Make Friends As An Adult. Irene Levine, PhD, is a psychologist and friendship expert who produces The Friendship Blog. Melanie Ross Mills, PhD, is a temperament therapist and author of The Friendship Bond.
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